facing facts and the great big black hole of life, not as expected.
I've always wanted to get a degree in literature and to go onto teach or write or work in editing. I guess, maybe it was a dream. Either way, after dropping out of high school, having 2 kids, going back for my GED and passing with flying colors, a failed attempt at a MLT degree and finally getting married and moving overseas it seemed like the right time to actually do what I had wanted to do for so long.
It took me months to get the courage up, and in that time my husband and I had many midnight conversations in which I confided in him how scared I was, how unsure I was I could do it, how I didn't know if it was the right thing, and him supporting me and comforting me the whole way. After deciding that we were together 100% about it, I started to fill out the application to apply to a big University about 30 miles from us. I struggled mostly with my personal statement, but when I finally finished I was more or less pleased with it.
Four weeks on from when I submitted my application, I have been informed that it was rejected. I will not be going to back to school.
I was crushed, and still am. I try to keep a good face on for my husband but I just can't help crying when I think about it. I wanted this so so so much. Now, it seems I waited to long, or maybe I'm not nearly as bright and capable as I thought I was.
I think it'll be a while before I can really accept it and understand it, but I know that this was it. I won't be trying again.
I have to come to terms with the fact that I'll never do anything more than take care of the kids and the house, and maybe work some horrible part time job once in awhile. I feel like something has been ripped away from me. It never occured to me that I wouldn't ever go back to school and accomplish this and have that career that I wanted. It was always just a matter of the time being right.
I feel really lost right now, my confidence is shattered and I just don't have any idea where to go from here. Being a mother and a wife is great, but for it to be the only thing? The epitomy of my existence? To never have anything outside of making dinner and vaccuming and taking the kids to school?
I feel like I've been sucked into a great big black hole.
It took me months to get the courage up, and in that time my husband and I had many midnight conversations in which I confided in him how scared I was, how unsure I was I could do it, how I didn't know if it was the right thing, and him supporting me and comforting me the whole way. After deciding that we were together 100% about it, I started to fill out the application to apply to a big University about 30 miles from us. I struggled mostly with my personal statement, but when I finally finished I was more or less pleased with it.
Four weeks on from when I submitted my application, I have been informed that it was rejected. I will not be going to back to school.
I was crushed, and still am. I try to keep a good face on for my husband but I just can't help crying when I think about it. I wanted this so so so much. Now, it seems I waited to long, or maybe I'm not nearly as bright and capable as I thought I was.
I think it'll be a while before I can really accept it and understand it, but I know that this was it. I won't be trying again.
I have to come to terms with the fact that I'll never do anything more than take care of the kids and the house, and maybe work some horrible part time job once in awhile. I feel like something has been ripped away from me. It never occured to me that I wouldn't ever go back to school and accomplish this and have that career that I wanted. It was always just a matter of the time being right.
I feel really lost right now, my confidence is shattered and I just don't have any idea where to go from here. Being a mother and a wife is great, but for it to be the only thing? The epitomy of my existence? To never have anything outside of making dinner and vaccuming and taking the kids to school?
I feel like I've been sucked into a great big black hole.
posted by Erin at
11:40 AM
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